August 19, 2013

Who Are the People in Your Neighborhood

August 19, 2013

You cannot see these people just anywhere. They are not in the movies, nor on TV, not in magazines or written into the pages of any books, fiction or non fiction. They don't appear on the Internet, in newspapers, or even in the imagination of anyone. They can even be hard to see when they mill about on their peculiar missions right in front of you. And yet I do see them, if I dare to open my eyes wide enough, any workday I want to. These are the people that come to my library.

This is not a just folks, salt of the earth post about the wondrous diversity of humanity as it really is, and neither is it a cynical take-down of the same. All I am saying here is that if I in anyway tried to show you these people on my own, even were I given vastly greater skills, equipment and assistance than I possess, through film, sound, prose, patience and respect, humor and vision, my, or really anyone's project in this regard, would fall hopelessly flat. Any attempt to convey the however many hundreds of people I see in a day would be unbelievably bizarre. Unbelievably. It would also be too boring to watch, and it would be cynical, treacly, fantastical, mundane, uninspired, desperate in its hopefulness, plodding, pointlessly weird, and needlessly depressing. It would be unfair, inaccurate in its representation, confusing, glamorizing, too good to be true, evil, unintelligible and inappropriately whimsical.

Just like life.

Sept 4, 2015

Friday, September 4, 2015

My handy publications submission letter

Dear

___ Magazine Editor:
___ Newspaper Editor:
___ Mailroom Intern:
___ Department of Homeland Security Agent:


I apologize for contacting you with a form letter. I simply submit too many irrelevant and unpublishable pieces to media such as yours to write a bespoke letter of introduction. However, as you see, the form I use is able to be specifically tailored to you. I hope this thin patina of personalness will help endear me to you while still limiting my workload.

Please consider the following

___ blog post
___ essay
___ short story
___ pithy quote
___ collection of barely legible post it notes


for inclusion in your publication. I have

___ read
___ never read
___ occasionally browsed
___ looked at the pictures in
___ become aware of


your magazine or newspaper, and I feel that my work would

___ look especially pretty trumpeted loudly on your cover.
___ be a poor match for any publication, so why not send it to yours?
___ fundamentally alter the nature of your publication for the better.
___ halve your circulation numbers, but don't you think you've gotten a bit too big for your britches?


For your response I have

___ enclosed a SASE.
___ included my address. Stamps are not cheap, and I am not made of money.
___ included my address and a bank routing number for your first payment.
___ left no contact information whatsoever.


I hope you will also consider

___ running my work as a regular column and thus catapulting us both to fame and glory.
___ eating better and getting more exercise.
___ reconsidering your decision on this.
___ sending me a letter about how you enjoyed my submission but will never publish it.


I thank you in advance for your

___ time and attention.
___ condescending dismissal.
___ weird and frankly unprofessional response.
___ fawning praise.
___ unusable advice that is nevertheless well meant.


Yours truly,




F. Calypso