Sept 4, 2015

Friday, September 4, 2015

My handy publications submission letter

Dear

___ Magazine Editor:
___ Newspaper Editor:
___ Mailroom Intern:
___ Department of Homeland Security Agent:


I apologize for contacting you with a form letter. I simply submit too many irrelevant and unpublishable pieces to media such as yours to write a bespoke letter of introduction. However, as you see, the form I use is able to be specifically tailored to you. I hope this thin patina of personalness will help endear me to you while still limiting my workload.

Please consider the following

___ blog post
___ essay
___ short story
___ pithy quote
___ collection of barely legible post it notes


for inclusion in your publication. I have

___ read
___ never read
___ occasionally browsed
___ looked at the pictures in
___ become aware of


your magazine or newspaper, and I feel that my work would

___ look especially pretty trumpeted loudly on your cover.
___ be a poor match for any publication, so why not send it to yours?
___ fundamentally alter the nature of your publication for the better.
___ halve your circulation numbers, but don't you think you've gotten a bit too big for your britches?


For your response I have

___ enclosed a SASE.
___ included my address. Stamps are not cheap, and I am not made of money.
___ included my address and a bank routing number for your first payment.
___ left no contact information whatsoever.


I hope you will also consider

___ running my work as a regular column and thus catapulting us both to fame and glory.
___ eating better and getting more exercise.
___ reconsidering your decision on this.
___ sending me a letter about how you enjoyed my submission but will never publish it.


I thank you in advance for your

___ time and attention.
___ condescending dismissal.
___ weird and frankly unprofessional response.
___ fawning praise.
___ unusable advice that is nevertheless well meant.


Yours truly,




F. Calypso